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Often, when a person realizes s/he is queer, his/her first fear is of what their family might think. In fact, it is the fear of family's homophobia that keeps many queer kids in the closet years after they realize their own sexual orientation. While dealing with our families can be difficult, and presents many challenges at times, coming out can be rewarding and fulfilling. Still, if you feel you are not yet ready to come out yet, there is no shame in being in the closet. The most important thing to remember about coming out and sharing your identity with your family is that you have to be ready. If you think your family will be ultra-supportive, then maybe they can help you come to terms with your sexuality. Otherwise, it's best to wait until you are comfortable with yourself so that you can help your family (if they need it) without doubting yourself.
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If you're thinking about telling your parents that you are queer, there are some questions you should ask yourself first. If you are clear about these things in your own mind, your coming out has a better chance of being a positive experience for all involved.
Are you sure about your sexual orientation?
Don't raise the issue unless you're able to respond with confidence to the question "Are you sure?" Confusion on your part will increase your parents' confusion and decrease their confidence in your judgment.
Are you comfortable with your gay sexuality?
If you're wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you'll be better off waiting to tell your parents. Coming out to them may require tremendous energy on your part; it will require a reserve of positive self-image.
Do you have support?
In the event your parents' reaction devastates you, there should be someone or a group that you can confidently turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical.
Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality?
Your parents will probably respond based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic society. If you've done some serious reading on the subject, you'll be able to assist them by sharing reliable information and research.
What's the emotional climate at home?
If you have the choice of when to tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when they're not dealing with such matters as the death of a close friend, pending surgery or the loss of a job.
Can you be patient?
Your parents will require time to deal with this information if they haven't considered it prior to your sharing. The process may last from six months to two years.
What's your motive for coming out now?
Hopefully, it is because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you feel. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexuality as a weapon.
Do you have available resources?
Homosexuality is a subject most non-gay people know little about. Have available at least one of the following: a book addressed to parents, a contact for the local or national Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, the name of a non-gay counselor who can deal fairly with the issue.
Are you financially dependent on your parents?
If you suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out of the house, you may choose to wait until they do not have this weapon to hold over you.
What is your general relationship with your parents?
If you've gotten along well and have always known their love -- and shared your love for them in return -- chances are they'll be able to deal with the issue in a positive way.
What is their moral societal view?
If they tend to see social issues in clear terms of good/bad or holy/sinful, you may anticipate that they will have serious problems dealing with your sexuality. If, however, they've evidenced a degree of flexibility when dealing with other changing societal matters, you may be able to anticipate a willingness to work this through with you.
Is this your decision?
Not everyone should come out to their parents. Don't be pressured into it if you're not sure you'll be better off by doing so -- no matter what their response.
(excerpted from Coming Out to Your Parents | © 1995 Tom Sauerman & PFLAG Philadelphia)
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- Never come out during an argument.
- Never come out in a moving vehicle.
- A person is more intelligent than a group of people. Come out to people one at a time and somewhere private.
- People who are ignorant may say things initially that they don't realize are painful to you. Remember that they are just surprised and often don't mean what they say.
- The person you are coming out to may already know that you are LGBT.
- Be ready for them to need time and space to think about things before any discussion takes place.
- Be ready for them to bombard you with questions.
- Remember that they grew up in a very different time, and that you may need to educate them. Knowledge is your friend; be prepared to patiently explain things that may seem obvious to you.
- It is your life to live, you only have one, and the bottom line is that you are going to continue living as a queer person no matter what their reaction is.
- There are people who will never be supportive no matter what is said.
- Breathe. (Seriously.)
- No two coming out experiences are ever the same.
- Don't plan on doing anything else for the rest of the day/night.
- Have resources for them and you to call.
(adapted from The Quantum Zone)
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For Parents
- Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). PFLAG is your best friend when it comes to helping your family come to terms with your sexuality. PFLAG promotes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons, their families and friends through: support, to cope with an adverse society; education, to enlighten an ill-informed public; andadvocacy, to end discrimination and to secure equal civil rights. If you want to find your local chapter, you can go directly here.
- Family Acceptance. One family from a small town in Georgia shares the experience of their transition from homophobic shock to understanding and appreciation. They created this site to help other families in the same situtation.
- Transfamily. TransFamily of Cleveland was founded to provide support and education for transgendered persons, their families, friends and significant others.
Coming Out
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